I’m bringing in the New Year in a country I have never been in and I don’t know a whole lot about it. It’s really exciting and it has given me a lot to reflect on and think about. In the past I have always made goals or resolutions just like most people. And usually I’m in bed before midnight. LOL. Last year I didn’t make any resolutions. I knew I wouldn’t stick to them and it seemed pointless to try. I had decided to only set an intention and declare it with one word. I chose PEACE. I struggle with depression and anxiety (who doesn’t??) and 2020 really ruined a lot of the ground I had made for myself with my mental and physical health from 2017-2019. I accomplished a lot for myself in those years despite many obstacles and life changes. And just like everyone, 2020 took a toll on me. I lost sight of myself and of hope.
I have a lot to be thankful for in 2021. I traveled to 7 new places and managed to read 4 books for pleasure. I got engaged and married the greatest man I have ever known. I got promoted and made the highest salary of my life. I even got back to some of my roots in self care and Yoga. And of course, we purged our life of all our possessions and moved to Thailand! I also faced some incredible and unexpected losses and challenges that cut deep and ultimately revealed a lot of old wounds that had yet to heal, along with new ones. I retreated into myself and didn’t share my struggles like I should have. Everyone is struggling and I have way too much to be thankful for. It made no sense to be feeling this way. I kept stuffing it all down inside, knowing that my hard work would pay off and I just needed to make it to Thailand. That was not the healthy answer to my struggles and it only made things worse. My anxiety went back to a state where I cannot always control it and recognize my triggers until it is too late. My depression has taken over my favorite parts of myself. And I feel as though I have taken too many steps backward and I no longer see the woman I was falling in love with. I don’t love myself as much as I used to. My intention of PEACE got lost somehow. Slowly. I made excuses not to do the things I knew I needed to do for myself because I was busy or tired. I let my anxiety and depression win too many matches in the ring and I really let myself down in a lot of ways.
People always say “keep your chin up! You are living your dream!” but depression and anxiety don’t always work that way. The outside does not affect the inside in these instances. And only those with it will understand. That’s the reason I’m sharing this. People don’t know as much as they should about these 2 subjects. And people with it suffer because of the lack of education and understanding. And people like me should know they are not alone. And they are not crazy. I’ve learned that no matter what I do, what job I have, where I live, who is around me…I may always struggle with anxiety and depression. I may have great years where I have my shit together. And then I may hit obstacles that prove formidable opponents for long stretches of time. This is the way it is. All you can do is really prioritize yourself in those times. Feed your soul. You cannot fill up another’s cup if you are empty. You must always put yourself first so that you may then assist others. In this regard, it is selfless to be selfish.
So this year I don’t think either of these will work for me. Setting resolutions or intentions or goals. The only thing I know to do now is live each day in the moment. To try and do 1 thing for my soul that fills my cup. Let it out and let someone in. Make it count. And f*ck the rest. Life is too short. For those of you who feel like you can relate, you are always a friend of mine. We can always talk. I won’t judge you. I’ll be honest and raw. And I’ll be your cheerleader. You aren’t alone.
Tonight I plan to be uncharacteristically sociable, drunk, out late, and brave. I plan to put on my armor and celebrate hard with the greatest gift of my life (my sweet Bradley Scott). Here’s to 2022, and seizing every moment. Here’s to being okay with not being okay. Here’s to awareness.